EPISODE 37: “You’re Not In Control Of Anything”
Despite what you think, you’re not in control of anything.
It’s the greatest illusion that most of us get into and it’s toxic to so many areas of life.
In this episode I talk about:
How control issues destroy self, relationships, families and even businesses
I often see it:
The reality is, you have zero control in life and even if you think you do, you don’t. In truth and science, your brain runs the show. Your brain is in control.
When you get into a car, how much control do you have? Better yet, when you get on an airplane, how much control do you really have?
This is one episode of a few I’m going to create on the subject.
You have ZERO control over anything in your life, but you do have influence in your life.
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You're listening to episode number 37 of the transform your life from the Inside Out Podcast. And this episode, I'm going to talk about something that will resonate with many of you. And that is control and the illusion of control. Now, this is a massive, and I do mean massive limitation for a lot of people. And even if you think that you're not a control freak, you may want to listen to this episode, keep listening. Hi, I'm Jim Fortin. And you're about to start Transforming Your Life from the inside out with this Podcast. I'm widely considered the leader in subconscious transformation. And I've coached super achievers all around the world for over 25 years. Here, you're going to find no rah rah motivation, and no hype. Because this podcast is a combination of Brain Science, Transformational Psychology, and Ancient Wisdom all rolled into one to take your life to levels, you've never thought possible. If you're wanting a lot more in life, to feel better, to heal, to have peace of mind, to feel powerful and alive, and to bring more abundance and prosperity into your life, then this Podcast is for you. Because you're going to start learning how to master your mind and evolve your consciousness. And when you do that, anything you want, then becomes possible for you. I'm glad you're here.
Stop Trying To Control And Start Trying To Influence
Okay, the issue of control. Now, obviously, I don't know where you are in your own life, there are some of you that actually do not get into a lot of control, there are a lot of you that do get into control. And there are many of you that other people would call control freaks. Now, I don't know where you fit into this equation. But I tell you, this is a massive issue. It's one that I can really relate to, in a way. Not that I try. I've tried to control other people. As a matter fact, there are different kinds of control freaks, there are some people that actually try to control themselves and control everyone else. And then there's some people that actually, you know, just try to control and manage their own behavior.
I'm one of those people that you know, do what is ever good for you? I'm going to take care of me. And you know, what, hey, whatever you're going to do, you're going to do? And, you know, I've recognized many, many years ago, that I do not have the power to control other people. Now, where do you fit in with that? I mean, are you one of those people that have to control and you try to control every circumstance, every person, every situation, you know, if you're that person, I'm going to tell you. And actually, I don't have to have to tell you because you already know it. But that is an exhausting. And I do mean an exhausting place to work from, when it comes to control a definition is the power to influence or direct people's behavior, or the course of events.
And that also is something that a lot of people wrestle with it trying to control what's going to happen tomorrow, and what's going to happen in their launch and at work and with their boss and with their kids. And I see a lot of people especially trying to control their kids. And as your kids get older, for the most part, the more you try to control them, the more they're going to rebel. And my programs, I see a lot of this, I see people trying to control everything around them. And as I said just a bit ago, it's very, very exhausting. You know, and of course, I don't mean physically, but look how much mental energy, consider that for a moment. If you are and I'm just using the word colloquially, you know, but a control freak, if you are that, think about how much energy that you drain trying to control people and things around you. So this is what I want you to understand, despite what you think, no one is in control of anything.
You know, to be candid with you. It's about midnight tonight, and I'm in traveling, I've been gone for 10 days, I've been at my house in Sedona, Arizona, and I'm back at my house in Dallas. And what's interesting is so many people will say to other people, when they're, they're going to fly somewhere, they will say, Have a safe flight. Now, I think that's more of a well wish than anything else. But you know what? The second,that well, first off, even driving to the airport, you have no control over what other people are going to do in traffic. But consider that people will say Have a safe flight, you know what, you have no control, I mean, none. Once you step in that airplane, and they shut the door, and that plane takes off, you have zero control over what's going to happen when that plane takes off. And when it lands, yet, notice that you have no control of almost anything.
And that's a great example, yet many of you are trying to control everything around you. Now, why do you do this? I'm speculating. And of course, you can talk to all the Psychologist and Adolescent Psychologist and behavior lyst and everything else. But if you just look at human nature, many times people get into control issues, because when they're very young, they don't have control. And, you know, I see that in my own life is that my parents, they lived under the under the illusion that they can control the kids. And let me give you a great example here is that my parents actually thrived on hearing. And this was back. I mean, I'm 54. And this was back in the early 70s. And mid 70s. My parents love to hear from other people, and especially when they take us out to dinner, my parents love to hear, you know, my, my, what well behaved kids that you have.
And many places that my parents would go into would take us as kids, they would hear that over and over. And I even remember hearing that as a kid. And the interesting thing is I look back is they probably went to the same places over and over again, when it took us out, you know, to dinner, because they would hear that from those people about how well behaved that we were as kids. And when I look back, and I'm sure this applies to a lot of you. And especially back from the 70s my parents were very strict disciplinarian. And when I look back, my parents thought they gave us a lot of freedom. But they really didn't. They gave us freedom within the frame that or the allowance of the freedom they wanted to give us.
Basically, they would say things like, well, you can make any choice you want, as long. You know, as long as it's one of the choices that I deem okay for you. So for many years, I got into trying to control my own environment, my own behavior. And again, I wasn't so much a person that tried to control other people. But I tried to control things in my own life in terms of circumstances, or my own behavior.
So hopefully, that creates a little a little bit of clarity for you about how much you know how much control might be showing up in your life. And you know, why it might be showing up? And, you know, many people don't fully recognize the degree to which they have control issues. And it just, you know, we're all very different. It all depends. If you have control issues, many times I will ask people, because they'll see it in coaching. And I'll say, you know, do other people say you have control issues? And you know, sometimes people will say no, but yet I see them trying to control things. And then other times they'll say, they'll laugh, and they'll say absolutely yes, that they have control issues.
Here's what I've noticed over the years doing what I do is that control issues, destroy your own peace of mind, if you happen to get into them. I've seen control issues, destroy relationships, partnerships, marriages, families, and businesses. So when you look at self, and the control that you get into, you know, how much as I said earlier, do you try to control yourself or your circumstances, for the most part that is extremely exhausting, because you're wear yourself out trying to control yourself and your environment.
Secondly, families, you know, I see, I see families of all types and all kinds of control, I see mothers that are trying to control their adult kids, literally, I will see mothers that you know, are in their 40s and 50s. And they wonder why their kids are estranged from them? Well, a lot of times what comes up and this is obviously is very general. But a lot of times I'll start talking to the mother about the relationship or the Father. And she will send by the way mothers control because they love their kids, and they want what's in their kids best interest.
But you know what, when your kids are in their their teens, and especially their late teens, and 20s, the last thing they want is a mother controlling them. Yet many times mothers are trying to control. So what happens is, mothers literally create distance between their kids, and especially they're 20 something kids, because they push them away by trying to control them. You know, I've seen wealthy families. And this is money. And it's issues of control. One of my really good family friends, she's not on the planet anymore. I mean, she would be about 100 years old, she left the planet about five years ago. And then extremely, extremely wealthy family here in Dallas. And she said to me, and they're one of the most well known families in Dallas, I mean, the family has like their name on the interstates and all that kind of stuff, you know, and the opera center, you go under names on the wall, and blah, blah, blah.
And she said, You know what she told me, she goes, you know, Jim, she goes, our kids have tried to control how much money each kid is going to get. And they've tried to control each other, and they've tried to actually control them manipulate us as parents, all for money. And she goes, it's not the money that's torn our family apart. It is the control, and the games around money that have split our family part. So I've seen you know, I've seen control rip families apart in many, many ways, whether it's a parent, you know, trying to control a child or a child rebelling from control, or trying to control who's going to get what when mom and dad leave the planet, or who's going to get what money. But obviously, as I say this, you may or may not see some of this in your own life.
Now I've seen control actually,oh my gosh,I've seen it play out in relationships where one person will be air quote, to control freak and the other is not. And to control freak is constantly trying to control the partner. Now I remember a husband and wife that I had to my group coaching program, what I love them to death, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful people. And he's basically pretty much a happy go lucky kind of guy. And she's constantly they've got a couple of kids. She's constantly trying to control him and the kids. And as always digging and coaching, what I found out is that she was trying to control them, because she wanted in her interpretation, the best for the family.
She wanted the best marriage, and I and that's literally what she said the best. She wanted the best marriage, she wanted the best, life for her kids. And the way that she did that she thought that she knew better than anyone else in the family, including our kids that have she controlled her husband, and she controlled the kids. Then in her interpretation that meant that with her expertise and everything else, that she would create create the best possible life for her kids and her family. But what it was really doing is driving her kids away from her because they were rebelling, and her husband is like, you know, I'm so sick and tired. He goes, it just sets me off. I'm so sick and tired, because every single day, she's trying to control me.
What I want to point out here is that she didn't want to control the control, she wanted to control. Because in her interpretation, as I said, if she controlled, then she could actually have you know, have the entire family have the best possible life. Now I also mentioned business. So let me give you a couple of examples here, one of my clients back in 2015, he was a Loan Officer LO, a Mortgage Broker. And he was one of the top 100 in the country for the company that he worked at, which was a large company. And he wrote, I don't remember the exact numbers. But in 2015, he wrote something like $15 million in business. And in coaching him what I recognized is that he had his hands on the wheel, and literally what he had to have his fingers and everything. And the reason why just like the mother that I've mentioned, the reason he had to have his fingers and everything is because he's excellence driven. And he felt like if he if he didn't have his fingers in every part of the process, then what would happen is the business would not be you know, working from excellence, things would fall through the cracks and he would look bad. What I did is I took his hands off the wheel, and I said you know what, you are no longer and your business allowed to participate or put your fingers in this and this and this and this?
Well, the very next year, his his volume went from 50 million to 75 million the next year and went from 75 to 150 million. And the next year actually, he became very creative. He merged with several other LO, he started his own office. And last year his company wrote if I got my numbers, right, 1516 1718 and not Yeah, okay, it's the numbers work. He wrote almost a half a billion dollars in loans, all by taking his hands off the wheel.
Another client of mine, same thing. He's an Internet Marketer, and entrepreneur and online marketer. When I met him, he was doing 3 million a year. And he hired me for one to one coaching. And I'm not I'm not promoting myself, I'm just sharing with you the power of taking your hands off the wheel. There are so many of us that think Well, you know what, nobody in my business, or my department or my company, or even my family can do it as well as I as I can. So let me control it. So I took his hands off the wheel, I've been coaching him for a while I coached him this was a couple of years ago, we're friends now. But the very next year has his business volume has revenue went from 3 million to 6 million. Now this year, he's gone from 6 million to 10 million, all by taking his hands off the wheel. Not only that he had 14 employees at the time when I met him. And he really wasn't actually developing the human capital, because he was actually had his fingers and everything as well. And he thought no one could do it as he you know, as well as he could. And they all these people were on payroll, their own salary. And he was letting them do it. But he had his fingers and everything. And obviously, he went from three to six to 10, in a matter of a couple of years by taking his hands off the wheel. Another one of my clients, very good friend of mine, I've known him for a lot of years. I mentored him for a lot of years. And I've also personally coached him and professionally coached them. His company will do I think he said right at $80 million this year. And I asked him what he had learned over the years. And this is what he said, so any of you that are entrepreneurs, this may be very valuable to you.
He said, I've learned that when an employee can do something 70% as well as I can, it's time to turn it over and to take my hands off the wheel and let them do their job. And obviously that's well not not obviously, but that's what I call the 70% rule is when somebody can do it 70% as well as you let them do it. Because see what's also going to happen, you might be thinking, Well, Jim, I am excellence driven 70% is not excellence, what I have observed over the years is when they're 70% as good as you at something, you take your hands off the wheel, now you're giving them the opportunity to grow into excellence in that position with your mentorship. But you know what, if they are, you know, metaphorically, if you're always driving, you got 100% of your hands on the wheel there in the passenger seat and they're navigating at 70%. They never learned to drive, you take your hand hands off the wheel, you put your their hands on the wheel, and they become much better drivers.
Okay, I'm just a reminder here. I've said it a couple of times, I don't know what time in the afternoon it's going to be, but mark your calendar for September the fourth, because I'm going to be doing a no charge live training. And basically, the whole thing is going to be around things you've learned in the podcast, but even more, and it's going to be a live Transformation Training Session. So again, mark your calendar for September the fourth That afternoon, and we will announce the dates a little bit later.
Okay, so couple of other areas here where you may get into control and some things to look at. Now, how many of you have actually ever engaged in an argument on Facebook with anyone? Or let me back up even even further here? How many of you argue with people now you've heard me say pretty much in every or every other podcast, that my brother in law is a showman. He's been my mentor for for, you know, 20 something years now. And a couple of years ago, he was talking talking to me, and he said something that was just, it really, really was captivating. And it caught me when he said it. And this will change your life when you absorb what I'm going to share with you now.
So Facebook, look at all the arguments that people get into face, you know, they get into when they're on Facebook, about politics, or Trump or Clinton, or who ever you know, I saw this cartoon one time. And this woman, you can just you can't see her in the cartoon, but she's off in the background, obviously a little, the little thought bubble. And she, she just she's talking to her husband, and "she goes come to bed". And he's like, No, no, he goes, I'm talking to somebody on the internet because they're wrong. And I started laughing because so many people do that they're fighting with strangers on the internet. But here's the point. And when you absorb this, when you come to know this, it makes your life so much easier. But this is what my brother in law taught me is that arguing,not communicating like you know, a partner, husband and wife or whatever. There's a difference between communicating and arguing. And what he taught me is that this arguing is a control issue. Think about that.
Arguing is a control issue. And when you argue with someone not communicate, and not civil dialogue, but when you're arguing, you're arguing for one reason, only, you're trying to control them, you're trying to control the conversation. And specifically, you want to be right. So let me ask you, how much of your life do you think that you have control of?
Take a second there? Consider that, you know, what's the number? Do you think that you've got, like 50% control? 80% control 90- 95% control? Well, what's the number? All right, according to research done at the Max Planck Institute and lives in Germany, which is one of the foremost research institutes in the world, they have 43. several years ago, when I found this research, they had 43, Nobel Prize winning, scientist contributing, contributing. Like I said, it's late, I'm tripping over my words, they have let me say that, again, they have 43, Nobel Prize winning scientist contributing research and content. There we go, I got it out.
All right, what they discovered, was just insane. And I'm just using that word colloquially to the way that most of us think I won't go into it now. Because obviously, it's, you know, after midnight, and I'm doing this, and it's been a long day of travel. And I'm sure I'm going to talk about this with another podcast episode on control. But what they discovered is that even though that you think you make your decisions, you don't, your brain makes them for you.
And even while you think you're analytically decided, deciding between A and B, I'm going to take option A or I'm going to take option B, what they discovered by watching blood flow in the brain is that even though you analytically think you're deciding, you are not your brain 95% of the time is making your decisions for you, even while you analytically think you're making the decision yourself, consider that you analytically think you're making your decision.
And you are not your brain is making it for you. And I'll just tell you here, a little piece here, the reason they know that is by watching blood flow in the brain, they can predict with great accuracy, which decision you're going to make a full seven seconds, even while this in there seven seconds, you think you're thinking about the decision you're going to make. So that being said, if you think you're in control of even your choices, science demonstrates differently. So I am going to create another episode on this, you know, sometime in the next couple of months, but I wanted to start you thinking about control. And I'm going to dig in a lot deeper on the other episodes.But you don't have control over anything.
You have choices. Now somebody might want to argue and say, Well, you know what I can control my thinking. In another podcast, I'm going to demonstrate you cannot control your thinking. You can choose your thinking, but you cannot control your thinking. So a big takeaway here. One of the major takeaways, this will make your life so much easier is that arguing is basically a control issue. And when you're arguing, as I said earlier, you're wanting, wanting to control some conversation or someone or something. But your transformational takeaway for this week. And like I said, in a future episode, I will dig even deeper is that you have zero control over anything in your life.
You do have influence, but you have no control in your life. Okay, that wraps up this short episode. And by the way, you know, sometimes people I look at a lot of other podcasts and people have really long,episodes an hour or longer, sometimes shorter is better, because they know that my , I know my podcast are very rich with content. And sometimes, you know, when I give you guys concepts and it gives you things to think about, the more that I give you, the more that you got to digest, and maybe you lose some of the you know, some of the power behind the simple message.
Okay, so, the next episode is a QA and I'm going to answer Lynn's question. Now, let me preface this Lynn's question is how does karma play out in our lives? Okay, I said a little earlier, and you might have heard on other episodes, my brother in law is a Shaman. Now, let me take a little deeper here is that there are people that practice Shamanism. It's not a religion. It's It's the oldest form of thought on the planet. people and people will call themselves shamans and they're not shamans.
And by the way, you know, how do you become a Shaman? It's not like you go to a Shaman School and, and you get a you know, a certificate at a certain point like you would do in the martial arts where you get a, you know, a black belt. My brother in law started apprenticing when he was six years old, with the Shamans in Mexico. And when you apprentice with a shaman, as I've been taught, it's written in the stars. It's not like somebody just says, Hey, I want to apprentice with a shaman. So shamans work with non ordinary reality. Most of the shamans work is actually in dream time. Shamans know how to move energy. And I did create an episode on Dream Time, and I'm sure I'm going to create some more advanced episodes on Dream Time. But what I want to share with you is Lynns question was how does karma play out in our lives? Well, you know what, I am no cosmic master. And I'm no cosmic guru. However, working with a something and how I want to say this working with a Shaman. For so many years, I do have at least some heightened perspective on what Karma is, and how how it plays out in our lives. And I will share that with you on the next episode.
And one more thing I know, there's an acro here that you know, the editor puts on and we don't do a whole lot of editing. I want the episodes to be raw. But I really seriously, this podcast has grown so quickly in a matter of I think about three months now. And I want to just tell you personally, not an outro. But I want to tell you personally, for a couple places I want to go here is I can't keep up with all the messages. Please do not send me a message on Instagram and Facebook asking for coaching. I don't want to be rude, I want to ignore you. But there's no way that I can get to all the messages that I have. So as I say in the outro, if you would please send any question you might have to firstname.lastname@example.org, and then I'll get to it as I can just like Lynn's question as a Q&A. But what I was going to say here is, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, letting me live my Dharma, which this is my path, and letting me actually bring this kind of content to you. So that you can evolve and you can grow, and you can transform, and you can make your life a better place, and the world a better place.
So thank you so much. And I'll catch you over on the next episode. Bye bye.
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