EPISODE 268: “When will you be good enough?”
“I’m not good enough” is one of the stories I hear more than any other.
This single story alone is debilitating and toxic and I talk about how I used to feel the same and how I overcame it.
The thing about being “good enough,” it has to be measured against something. There must be criteria to measure it and the truth is, there is absolutely no way to measure it.
For example…if someone said, “You’re the best in the world at what you do,” there is almost no way to verify that. After all, if you are the best, then it means the “best” and it means they’d have to have an experience with every single other person in the world who does what you do to verify. It’s not possible.
More than anything, we only feel not good enough when we compare ourselves to others.
And, we only feel not good enough when we are judging ourselves and making value judgments about others and ourselves.
In this episode I talk about how I pulled myself out of this toxic vortex and how I freed myself.
More than anything, to feel good enough we MUST accept ourselves. We must accept how and what we are…whatever that is.
The interesting thing is, we can only evaluate being “good enough” if we are comparing ourselves to other people and that also is not impossible as we can compare ourselves to what we can see of and about them but we cannot see what’s going on in their head and internal life.
Being “good enough” has nothing to do with your external world. The way to be good enough is to accept yourself as you are, right now.
You’re listening to the Transform your Life from the Inside Out podcast. This episode is titled When Will You Be Good Enough? This is a question that a lot of people wrestle with. Many people feel like they’re not good enough and because they’re not good enough they hide in life. They stay in the background. They don’t ask for what they want. They do not put themselves out in the world. And again, basically they’re like wallpaper. You know, in life of life. And people hide because they think they’re not good enough. And in this episode, I want to talk about really how I learned that, you know what? I am good enough. How I learned that and I want to share that story with you. Hopefully, you’ll find some insight there. And you’ll start to realize and recognize that you are right now. Right now where you are you are good enough. Keep listening.
Hi, I’m Jim Fortin, and you’re about to start Transforming Your Life from the Inside Out with this podcast. I’m widely considered the leader in Subconscious Transformation. And I’ve coached super achievers all around the world for over 25 years. Here, you’re going to find no rah rah motivation, and no hype. Because this podcast is a combination of Brain Science, Transformational Psychology, and Ancient Wisdom, all rolled into one to take your life to levels you’ve never thought possible. If you want a lot more in life, to feel better, to heal, to have peace of mind, to feel powerful and alive, and to bring more abundance and prosperity into your life and this podcast is for you. Because you’re going to start learning how to master your mind and evolve your consciousness. And when you do that, anything you want becomes possible for you. I’m glad you’re here.
Okay. So this episode is titled When Will You Be Good Enough? I can’t tell you the number of people in my Transformational Coaching Programs. The number of people that come with this belief I’m not good enough. I’m not good enough. And again, because they’re not good enough or they feel it’s not that they’re not good enough. They feel like they’re not good enough. And because they feel like they’re not good enough. They devalue themself. They belittle themself. They hide, they’re afraid to ask for what they want in life. They are afraid to speak about their needs and basically, they just, as I’ve said earlier, kind of like wallpaper in life a lot of times. I can relate to that to some degree. I also want to point out that all the years that. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. I used to play a great game of hide and seek. Meaning I would have not relive at seek part but the hide. I would hide from people. I wouldn’t let people see who I am and because I wasn’t letting people see who I am. I wasn’t putting myself out in the world and doing what I love to do most, which is helping people. You know, there’s podcast, thanks to you and other listeners. Has several million downloads. What that tells me is that I’m helping someone somewhere in the world at some point. And I know that because I get a lot of feedback. My team does from people that listened to the podcast.
And if I were hiding then guess what? I would never put this podcast out. Why because that’d be afraid that other people would judge me. Yes, people will judge you. No matter who you are, what you do, how good looking you are, how unattractive you are, how trim and fit you are, how overweight you are, how poor you are, how rich you are. How nice you are or how, you know, what a horrible person you are. However you define that people will judge you. That’s what people do. So I recognize many years ago on my own journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. I realized that you know what. I’m looking at how good I am and I’m looking at how good I am based upon what I think the world accepts and what the world expects of me. And if I do not find myself based upon social standards, As an acceptable person then guess what? I’m not good enough. Now, as I said, a couple of minutes ago, This podcast has, you know, several million downloads. So I know I help a lot of people and this is what I do now. I know that I’m good enough to help millions of people because I have done it.
My, you know, my life. 13-week Transformational Programs have had thousands of people go through these programs and create dramatic life changes. Am I good enough? Hell, yes, I’m good enough to help people. But again, it was a long journey here and I want to share part of the journey with you. But as I just said, if I didn’t say it, I was thinking it. Because I really don’t have any notes for these episodes that I recognized long ago. This question, Jim. Are you good enough? And then when will you be good enough? And I kept looking for this milestone, letting me know when I was good enough. And what I recognized also, this milestone was wrapped around me, always learning more, discovering, more, helping, more, always doing more of something than what I was currently doing. And I had this just kind of jacked up belief. That if I were doing more. Whatever it might be in my life and a way to help people then guess what? Okay, now or when I learn more now, I’m finally good enough. What I really stumbled on many years ago. Is no matter where I was or am today on the social spectrum. Meaning how people perceive me, my wealth, my social status, whatever this crap people get into. I’m good enough. I’m good enough today to help people. Why and how do I know that? Because I help people and if I wasn’t good enough to help people, then I wouldn’t be helping people. The fact that I’m helping people means that I’m good enough to help people. So what I want to share right there is a little nugget. No matter where you are on the spectrum, it doesn’t matter. Meaning the spectrum of social status. What I want to point out is also social status. A lot of research has been done over the years. People are heavily driven. By what they perceive to be social status.
This is why you see people driving a $70,000 escalade and they’re parked out in front of a $50,000 mobile home that they live in. Why? Because people don’t see the home, but they see the escalade and this person is looking for some degree in some kind of social status. Now, my point here, is that I recognized years ago. That social status is about comparing ourselves to other people. Also we do that partly it’s a survival mechanism. We compare because an old vested a vested of our evolution is that we wanted to compare to see where we ranked to see how strong we are in the world. But I recognized that. It came to me. Hey, Jim. If you were on a deserted island. And you were by yourself. Would you be good enough? Now, there are a lot of things I’m not good at, even though I grew up on a farm, I am not good at climbing. You know, tall, I guess, Palm trees and getting coconuts. And, you know, Warren Buffet said the same thing. He goes, I’m great at creating capital, but if you want me to create rice, I’m not good at it.
But I recognized that if I’m on a desert island. The question of am I good enough? Doesn’t even exist. Why? Because there’s nothing or no one to compare me to. And if there’s nothing or no one to compare myself to, and there’s nothing to measure myself against. Then how would I measure myself worth myself value, which lets me know whether I’m good enough or I’m not good enough. So I recognized in that moment that all of my, my. You know, am I good enough or not came down to more than anything? A comparison game because the only way I could say, am I good enough is, or by comparing myself to other people, you know, when we look at other people, All we see is the outside. You know, I look at social media. And for the most part, let me back up here a little further people spend 99% of their time either trying to look good or not look bad. And you look on social media. All these people that are doing something to create an impression upon other people about who they are. You know, even recently I just took new headshots, new, a new photography. And the photographer said, Jim. You know, you do, you meditate every day. And I said, no, I’ll get there. And just a minute. And they said, well, you know, you talk about spirituality. Would you do a pose where you’re meditating? And I flatly refused. And the reason why I have another friend of mine and on his social media profile, I even told him point blank. I said, you have your picture on your social media profile, not because of you, but because of what you want other people to think about, you.
I’m going to segue here for a second. The reason I don’t meditate is because most people don’t understand meditation. I learned this from Don Xavier. My brother-in-law is a shaman. That life we must spend our days in complete meditation and in silence, no matter what’s going on in the external world. And 30 years ago, I asked her 27 years ago, I said, do you meditate? And he said, like sitting down and going home, he goes, no, but I spend my life on meditation. Meditation is about a state of being, not a practice, but in the world, especially in the west, most people think that meditation is a practice and it is to a small degree, but more than anything it is a state of awareness at a state of being. So this photographer asked me if I would take pictures while doing meditation. Sitting there, quiet hands and lap, et cetera. I said no, because I don’t want to convey an image for what I’m not, but here’s what I want to point out and here’s where I was going. And I know I’m hopping around.
You don’t and hopefully this is linking up somewhere. Truth be told I’m moving out of my house tomorrow, moving to a new home in a couple of weeks, moving to a rental in between. So I’ve got stuff you know, all over the house. And today, like an hour ago, I’m like, holy shit. I’ve not done the podcast for next week. Okay I got to do the podcast. So anyway, I’m moving a little fast and hopping around. But let me go here for a moment. We compare ourselves to other people. But we don’t know what’s going on inside other people. Whereas going here is on social media. Everyone shows you their best. You know, their best face. You don’t see the shit behind the scenes. Something I read many years ago is that many people. People running around judging people. And they run around judging people, and they don’t, they’d only been, have their own shit together. Think about that and maybe. I would guess you do you probably do the same thing without even recognizing it that you’re doing, you know, that you’re doing it. You’re judging other people. Not even recognizing that your own house is not even in order.
This makes me think back to many years ago, when I lived in New York city, I had quite a few celebrity clients, people that, you know, I would see my clients on, well, back when we watched TV 20, 25 years ago. I’d see my clients on TV. And I remember one night. I had Jay Leno one. And one of my clients, they were already my client at that point. Walked out and was on Jay Leno. And I sat there thinking. I know what goes on behind the scenes. How do I know that because they are a client of mine? That client of mine was a very handsome, extremely well-known, very successful and financially very set and established actor. What I knew is that this person was also terrible at destructive. Self-destructive. Now you see it on TV and you see this handsome guy now it’s on, you know, The video and everywhere else. But you see, you know, you look at this handsome guy who looks like they have their life together and what a great acting career. Wow and all these people, all the adulation and the movie accolades and all these kinds of things. But what’s going on behind the scenes?
So, we tend to compare our external to other people’s external. And what you don’t know is how messed up other people’s internals might be. We compare our external and say, well, you know what? Our external is not as good as their external. But a lot of times the external, and I can tell you there’s some personal experience coaching, the, I don’t know many how many thousands of people that I’ve coached. Many times, the external is a facade. Because people don’t want people to see who they are because they’re ashamed, they’re embarrassed or they’re afraid of who they are. And many years ago, I’m just being candid when I say this. I said to myself, which I’ll go into my story here in a little bit I said, what the fuck am I doing? When I’m afraid to put myself out there? I’m fricking afraid of other people who probably don’t have their shit together in the first place anyway. What the hell is wrong with you, Jim? And I wasn’t beating myself up, but I’m doing that a bit for a fact, but it dawned on me. That, Hey, you don’t do what you can in the world Jim. And this was many years ago. Because you hide from people and why do you hide from people? Because you’re afraid of people. Why are you afraid of people? Because you’re gay and guess what? People are going to find out you’re gay and then they’re going, going to judge you less than they are.
What I didn’t recognize is I was also in an extreme lack of self-value and self-worth. About 25 years ago. My brother-in-law Don Xavier called me. And we were talking about something. I don’t know what it was, maybe because see, he already knew that I was gay. He could read it with my energy. And, but I wasn’t, or I, I had just come out of the closet like 25 years ago. And he said to me, this is exactly what he said, and they always remember it. Just because you’re out doesn’t mean that you except yourself. Things will not change in your life until you learn to love yourself. What I just shared also applies to you. Things aren’t going to change until you learn to love yourself. And the reason you don’t love yourself is because you don’t accept yourself. At that point. What I recognized is whoa. Okay I have to accept myself. And I’m talking to you listening right now. You have, if you really, really want to be good enough. That’s what this episode is about people make this so damn hard, they make it harder than it needs to be. They’re always looking to be good enough. Good enough. Good enough.
Here’s the reality. You only need to be good enough for everyone. But you, and you will not be good enough for you until you accept who and what you are no matter what that is. Gay. Straight. Young. Old. Rich. Poor. Trim. Fit. Overweight. Super attractive. Not super attracted by social standards. Always what you call making mistakes, always being perfect, whatever, whatever it is. Until you accept you as you are. And you’re okay with that person, you’re not going to be good enough. And the second you accept yourself for who and what you are no matter what it is. It can be anything, maybe you’re a compulsive spender. Maybe you are a hoarder. Maybe you flip people off in traffic and I’m not condoning any behavior and I’m not condoning any behavior. I’m just saying, except who and what you are in the moment. When you accept who and what you are in the moment you and that moment are good enough. Lisa, we had to go back and splice in that last sentence. When I said, when you accept to in what you are in the minute.
You know, a little story here. I was actually, and I coach every day in my Transformational Coaching Program or I’m at least in my group every day and my coaches are there as well. And there was someone in the group that was demonstrating a great degree of low self-esteem, low self-worth. And they were looking for validation. They even said, “I want to be seen. And they even said, I want to be seen by my Jim. And a lot of people do that because in my groups, they see me as an authority for a year and I’m no authority figure. I’m just Jim. I mean, I created the program. Just like the podcast. I’m just me. And they want it to be seen by me. Meaning they wanted validation from me. And this is what I told the person, and it applies to people that are listening. Now that may be the same thing. Now you want recognition from me. But think about it in your life. Who do you want recognition from? Or do you want recognition from other people aside from your significant other spouse? Of course, we want to be recognized.
But are you wanting someone to recognize your work or your talents or to pat you on the back and say, you know, add a person? Great job. You’re amazing. The key is, are you looking for external validation? And a lot of people are. And I mean, they’re really looking for external validation. And they know they’re good enough when they get enough external validation. But the problem with that is this: when people validate us we feel good about ourself then when people either don’t validate us or stop validating us then we feel bad about ourself. And what that means is we are controlled. Yes, we’re controlled by the external world about, you know, other people validate me. My stock goes up. Other people stop out, validating my stock meaning my stock and myself goes down. We are victims. We are controlled by the external world and the opinions of other people. That’s an extremely unhealthy place to live in. Again, when will you be good enough? But that’s a question. Also, many people think it’s a destination.
I will be good enough when. I will be good enough when I get my college degree, I will be good enough when I finish my master’s degree. I will begin I’ve heard this I’ll be good enough when I make a million dollars, I’ll be good enough when I weigh 127 pounds, that I am lean and fit. I will be good enough after I’ve heard people say this after I’ve had my breast job. When I heard that one, I’m like, uh, really, uh, okay. Yeah. I mean, that’s really a stretch, but I heard that once. And we as humans, spiritual, you know, we’re, we’re basically spiritual beings having a human experience. Currently in my group, we just went through the week on entire week on stories. We as humans make up a shit ton of stories. And as a matter of fact, you are even listening to me right now. You’re making up stories as you’re listening to me about what this means to you. Oh, Jim. Yes, I got into that. No, I don’t get into that. I get into that and it means A, B, C, D E F, and G about me. It means I’m bad. It means I’m good. I’m mean some great. It means I’m not great. Whatever stories, story. Blah-blah-blah.
We have these perceptions of ourselves. And then we tell ourselves stories about these perceptions. And as, let me go back here. When we actually, when we base our perceptions about ourself based upon the perceptions of externals, our perceptions of ourselves, which, means our self-worth and our self-value. Goes up and down. Based upon externals, which are people in the external world. And I’m going to use this word again the external world controls us. And it’s kind of like a cork. If you’ve ever been fishing for cork. Once something nibbles and pulls it under the cork gets pulled under. If you base your worth and your value and you being good enough on the external world, when that’s challenged, guess what? When that’s taken away from you. Boom, your cork will go under. This is why it’s vital. That you find yourself worth and your self-value now. And that you are good enough as you are now. You know, I’ve said before many different places and a lot of people. Don’t get it and that’s okay. It takes us awhile sometimes. One of the things that helped me learn to accept myself. Was to recognize that I’m going to be judged no matter what. And for many years, until my early thirties, I would hide from people. I didn’t want them to know who I was. I became a hermit and people like Jim, why are you a hermit all the time? Because I didn’t want people to know that I was gay. I didn’t want people to know who I was or things about me. And I recognized. That you know, no matter who or what you are. People are going to judge you. And I recognized it also. That was hurting me more than anything else. I was hiding from other people, hiding from the judgment.
And when I, when I. Stepped out, I don’t mean came out, but when I just stepped out on the world, and I said, Hey world, here I am. And that moment I was inviting judgment and that was part of my healing process is to recognize, Hey, people are going to judge me. Bring it on. I didn’t say it like that, but I’m just sharing with you. Hey, if you guys are going to judge, judge away. And at that moment I liberated myself from myself. That may be something you want to explore yourself. Not about your sexuality, unless it pertains to that. But you know what? Put yourself out there. Let people judge. No, they’re going to judge stop, avoiding a judgment and guess what? You’re going to find out you’re going to find out what I found out. When I came out back then one of my best friends, his name was Doug. And actually I didn’t have the courage to come out in person and I wrote an email to my friends. And Doug said to me, his name is Doug White. We’ve been friends since the mid-nineties. Doug said to me, He said, you know, I hear that when people come out, it’s quite liberating. I always have expected great things from you. Now I expect even greater things from you. What I found from my friends, because I think I, I choose my friends pretty well. Is, I wasn’t as bad as I thought I was because I was gay. I wasn’t whatever I thought I was. I wasn’t that. Every single one of my friends we’re like, basically they were like, Hey, if you’re gay, as long as you’re happy, I don’t give a shit. Just a, you know, One of my friends responded back and goes I’m gay too. Well, really? I’m not, I’m just kidding, but Hey, I want you to feel better.
And, you know, my friends, my, one of my best friends is like, hey, if that’s, if that’s your gain and makes you happy. And you find happiness, that’s all I care about for you, that’s all I want for you. And I’m going to tell you right now, listening. That as long as you’re comparing and hiding. You’re hiding from people that aren’t accepting you anyway. And when you put yourself out there. In whatever way, maybe you’ve got a great idea you want to share, or you want to change careers, or you want to stop being religious, or you want to be religious or you want to start your own business or whatever it is. When you put yourself out there those that and you’ll be good enough, those that love you will not judge you in a negative way. They will support you. And if somebody’s judging you in a negative way, they’re keeping you in that container of not being good enough, but they’re also pulling you backwards time to cut the strings and let them go from your life.
Okay. So at this point you might be wondering, all right, Jim, how do I do it? How do I accept myself? That’s an internal journey, but I want to give you a couple of things that I went through that really helped me. Number one, look at your strengths. Look at what you’re good at. I’m better at public speaking than most people. As a matter of fact, I’m comfortable on a stage. I am better. And I know this because of what I’ve the feedback I’ve gotten. I am better at coaching and training than most people in my industry. And I know that because of the tens of thousands of people, they give me feedback on what I can get results for them. So I look at those as only examples of things that I’m good at. Why would I hide those things? Because I think I wasn’t good enough, by the way, the two biggest fears I’ve said before the people have been that we’re going to be abandoned. Number one, and secondly, inadequacy, we are not good enough.
So go back again. You’re good enough when you accept yourself and the subject and the story and the topic. When you accept who and what you are in this moment you’re good enough. So, number one, What are your strengths? Yeah, look at your strengths. Look at what things you bring. Everyone brings something. Even if you don’t recognize what you bring. A big one for me. Uh, this was a, this was a big aha for me. My parents raised me right. And my house, there were three rules. Do not lie. Do not cheat. Do not steal. And overall, I wouldn’t, I think, because I get a lot of feedback and I do have I observed this. I’m a pretty good person. When I say pretty good. I don’t want to say, oh, I’m a great person because all of us are learning our lessons, but I help a lot of people. I always have done it all my life because my mother taught me that I help people. If that’s not a good characteristic, then I don’t know what is.
And when I started valuing that in myself, it made me start feeling better about myself. Also be kind to yourself. I used to beat the holy shit out of myself for being gay. And I trust me when I tell you I tried to change it to no avail. And what I’m telling you. Be gentle. I’m pretty much, I have my slips here and there every so often, but 9.9 times out of 10. I’m kind to other people. Because and be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone else. That actually just shared what it is you might think you’re dealing with. And then finally take your time with this one. If you feel like you’re not good enough. Here’s what I want you to do, please. Slow down and ask yourself this. How much of myself denial, my hate, myself hate, meaning my lack of acceptance of myself hinges upon what other people will think of me or what I think other people will think of me.
You know when TCP the Transformational Coaching life, you know, my live program. I had a woman in there and she was, she was born in Africa. And she kept her. Understandably, why would she change it? She kept her African name. And she said to me, she goes, I don’t, I don’t put myself out because of my name. She goes, I feel like a lot of people judge my name. And it wasn’t anything like crazy, or it was just an African name. And she, she would judge herself and she had such an amazing heart, amazing woman. She would judge herself because of her name and because of her name she then would say, oh, I’m not good enough to take all of my talents out into the world. Because people are going to, going to make fun of my name. Notice that association she’s making the association she’s making. Are about other people not going to accept her. She’s not good enough because of her name. Again, I said earlier we human beings, we make up some crazy things in our mind. So, and then finally, finally, finally, finally. You’ve got to stop judging yourself.
Ponder that. I’m not going to tell you to stop judging yourself. First I’m going to ask you this first. What do you judge yourself for? Because I know that’s got to hit home with 99% of you. What do you judge yourself for? Too tall, too short, overweight. Not what you deemed socially you know socially beautiful or gorgeous or handsome or whatever. So think about that What do you judge yourself about because if you’re judging yourself. You are not accepting yourself Think about that if you’re judging yourself you’re not accepting yourself. Something finally that really set me free and this was many years ago but I want to I’ve shared it before I’ve always been into the healing arts. And there’s a healing art called Jin Shin Jyutsu®.I read a book many years ago by a woman named Mary Burmeister. And that book she said something that knocked me out. It changed my life one quote. No two people have the same karma. Therefore do not compare yourself to other people. And as I started this episode with, I recognized when I compared myself to other people I was never good enough. And that’s what we’re talking about being good enough. I was never good enough when I compared myself to other people and when I recognized hey Bob, Susan, Mary. They don’t have my karma. They’re not me. They’re living their karma and I have to honor and respect that and I have to live my karma. And the second that I recognize is that we are all living our own karma and don’t have the right to tell other people how to live their karma. And we don’t compare ourselves to them. Meaning we’re above or we are behind them and not moment. In that moment is when you become good enough. So your transformational takeaway is when you accept yourself for who or what you are. You’re good enough end of the story. Thanks for listening and I’ll catch you over in another episode. Bye-bye.
Okay. So I don’t know if this was your first episode or your 200. Regardless, I’m inviting you to join me and join the conversation inside my private podcast. Facebook community in the community, we dive deeper into the topics that I cover here on the podcast. And it’s a place for you to share your realizations. And really it’s a place for you to connect with other people, just like you, who are transforming their lives from the inside out. Plus, you’re going to be the first to know about exclusive Q and A sessions that I do with me and other special perks that be bringing to you. Other listeners of the podcast. To be part of the community, head over to jimfortin.com/jointheconversation. Again, jimfortin.com/jointheconversation.
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