You're listening to episode number 54 of the Transform your Life from the Inside Out Podcast. And in this episode, I'm going to actually answer a question that somebody wrote in. And the question is, what is the relationship between self worth, and habits? Keep listening?
Hi, I'm Jim Fortin. And you're about to start Transforming Your Life from the inside out with this podcast. I'm widely considered the leader in Subconscious Transformation. And I've coached super achievers all around the world for over 25 years. Here, you're going to find no rah rah motivation, and no hype. Because this podcast is a combination of Brain Science, Transformational Psychology, and Ancient Wisdom all rolled into one, to take your life to levels, you've never thought possible. If you're wanting a lot more in life, to feel better, to heal, to have peace of mind, to feel powerful and alive, and to bring more abundance in prosperity into your life. This podcast is for you, because you're going to start learning how to master your mind and evolve your consciousness. And when you do that, anything you want then becomes possible for you. I'm glad you're here.
We Treat Ourselves as We Perceive Ourselves
You know, the question that was written in by Malia is what is the relationship between habits and self worth? Very powerful question and one that a lot of people don't think about. I remember many years ago, I was in my home office. And it just dawned on me one day, I just popped in my head. And I was really referring and thinking about myself. And what popped in my head was this phrase, we treat ourselves like we perceive ourselves. And I wrote it on the whiteboard behind the door in my office, which the door was always open. So I never saw the whiteboard. But literally, I did a little remodeling in that room, just I don't know, three, four or five months ago. And that was on the whiteboard. And I've seen it from time to time by closing the door. And it rings so true.
That how we treat herself, which is the topic this week, Molly has question the relationship between self worth and habits. How we treat herself is a reflection of how we perceive herself. And if we perceive herself in a negative way, a condescending way, a hateful way, an angry way. That's how we create ourselves. So our habits are definitely related to our perceptions about ourself. You know, doing what I do, and doing it for a lot of years, I cannot tell you the degree to which self worth is one of the biggest issues that I see that I see in people. And I don't just mean self worth, but I mean, a lack of self worth. And not only that, the degree to which people work from that they don't deserve something.
I mean, it's amazing. And I am definitely not, casting any stones because I have been there, no question about it. I'm going to tell you where I work from today, when it comes to self worth. And it's a very calming place. And it's a very peaceful place. And I'll tell you a little bit more about that at the end of this episode. But it is so amazing the amount of people that limit themselves, or will not reach for something, or will subjugate themselves or hold themselves back, because they feel like they're not worth something and they don't deserve it. And you know, when I look at that, and I've been there before, and I look at it these days, I'm like deserve relative to what I mean, who on this planet, other than you is to tell you what you deserve and what you don't deserve.
Now, I don't know, I read some research many years ago. And a lot of people don't ask for things because of low self worth. But we're also in this culture. I don't know about you, but we're conditioned. And I was that the answer is no. Whatever we asked for, the answer is going to be no. And I read somewhere that by the age of 18, the average kid and this is in the United States. And this this was some psychological book that I probably read 1520 years ago. So is it a valid statistic? I don't know. But I know that in my own life, I can, yeah, I can see this. But I read that before a child turns 18, or at 18. We're told NO 18,000 times in our life, meaning 1000 times a year, we're told no.
Can I be something? No, Can I do something? No. Can I have something? No, can I go somewhere? No, no, no, no. And then if you're like my family, well, how come? Because I said so was the answer that I would always get. And so it's just like a virus in this world, the amount of people that just they don't think that they are worth things, or they don't think that they deserve things. And as you're listening, you know what Be honest with yourself, you probably feel like you don't deserve something or you you can't have too much of something. And many times, we think we can have too much of something or we don't deserve something because of other people that are in our life. And then we're like, well, how is it going to affect them, if I have x, y z, so therefore, it's going to affect them in a certain way, therefore, I don't deserve this. And I won't do it.
So I want to say here that it's worthiness. And I'm going to go to the you know, the topic at hand about self worth and habits in just a moment. But worthiness, it's so like I said, it's just a virus in the world, that we don't think we're worth things. And in my programs, I mean, I have people from all over the world. Now many years ago, that would be like a bragging right this day. And age is no big deal because we're all connected, right? And it's no big deal. But you know, whether it's Germany or Australia, or Peru, or Moscow, or Canada, you know, people from all over the world of my programs, and it's the same everywhere in the world, is that people just don't feel like that they are worth something or they are not enough.
I want to share a story here I remember after college buddies and I, and I was in a fraternity as the fraternity boy, etc. But you know, after college, I did a lot of binge drinking. And back then I thought, well, this is what you know, my buddies and I do we go golfing, and we got binge drinking when we go to the bars and all that kind of stuff. And what I recognized a lot of years later, is that even though I rationalized in my mind, that, hey, this is what boys do, and we play golf, and we get drunk and we drink and we go to the bars till four in the morning. What I recognized back then, is that was a form I'm sorry, recognized now that that is a form of self sabotage. And there's something that I heard many, many years ago in this still rings true today. And it's a very powerful phrase, and I use it a lot is that "we don't destroy what we love." So look at your own life, what kind of destructive habits do you have in your life. And we judge ourselves so harshly.
You know, what's interesting is so many people are worried about other people judging them, when they judge themselves more than other people. And I've been there as well. And we have to start with self love, which again, I'll talk about a little later in this episode. But look at look at what you may do. Maybe you get up in the morning, and you walk in the bathroom, and you look in the mirror and you're like, Oh my gosh, you look like hell this morning. You look horrible. You're so fat. Look at those bags under your eyes, your hair starting to come out. You just don't look like you used to. And on and on and on.
And we judge ourselves. And we judge ourselves harshly is what a lot of people do. I want to share a point with you here that I found many years ago, probably 20 something years ago, when I read it, it was just a stunning poem to me. And as by Dorothy Law Nolte. And for those of you that are parents Google it she she left the planet, I think in 95 or so. But again, her name is Dorothy Law Nolte N-O-L-T-E. And the poem is this.And if your parents, you probably want to actually or maybe get a copy of this and put it on your refrigerator.
And the poem goes like this. "If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn if children live with hostility. They learn to fight. If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy oif children live with shame. They learn to feel guilty if children live with encouragement. They learn confidence of children live with tolerance. They learn to be patient. If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate if children live with acceptance, they learn to love. If children live with the approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness if children live with security, they learned to have faith in themselves and others. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live." And that was written back inI believe in 1950s. And it was copyrighted in 1972.
But listen how I started that. And what I want you to look at is, how did you grow up? Did you grow up with criticism? and hostility and ridicule and shame? And? Or did you grow up with encouragement and tolerance and praise and acceptance and approval? Because see, you know, by now by listening to me for so long, for those of you that have is that we learn to be who we are before about the age of eight years old. And you want to look back at that time? How did your parents treat you now, my parents did this is what I tell people is my parents did the best job they could with what they had. Meaning, even though they might not be considered the most amazing parents when it comes to parenting skills. That's all they knew. And they did the best they could do with what they had at that point and who they were.
And my father used to be very, very harsh on us as kids. I don't know if any of you and I'm sure you can you can relate to that. But my parents and I know I've said this another podcast, my parents actually thrived on people praising his kids for being well behaved kids. Something that drove my parents was that when other people would say, you know what, when we were out to dinner or something, and people would say you have the most well behaved kids, my parents would actually thrive on that. And they'd be Oh, thank you so much. Thank you so much. And they took pride in that. Yet they completely completely subjugated us as kids. And there's a whole lot more that I could add there. But there was a fair amount, I think, when we were kids, of criticism of our behaviors, not so much hostility, but ridicule and shame, were a big thing, because my parents cared, cared so much about what other people thought about them and us as kids, that they would do anything to keep us in line as kids. So maybe some of you can relate to that. But I'm just telling you that I grew up in ways that contributed to me having low self esteem.
And what I've noticed over the years is that most and I do mean most people, it's amazing. And it's epidemic, so to speak. But most people have low self esteem, yet, we don't want to admit it, or we don't recognize it as that. Not only that, and I know I mentioned this either in the podcast or somewhere else, but many people use low self esteem to achieve, you know, two classic examples would be well, there's three right now there's one right in front of us. But Richard Nixon was notorious for having very, very low self esteem and self worth. And what he did is he actually his whole MO was achievement because he thought if he achieved, other people would approve of him, and then he would get his validation from the external world.
And the same thing about LBJ, he was the same thing. He was notorious and extremely, extremely, he felt inferior compared to the Kennedys. I mean, obviously, the Kennedys were one of the one of the 10 wealthiest families in the nation when JFK was president, and very, very wealthy and powerful and elite and Harvard graduates. And here, Lyndon Baines Johnson was some little farm boy who went to Texas State Teachers College. And if you look at their biographies, and I'm a student of history, as well, and, you know, I have a degree in Political Science and Psychology and I watch a lot about biographies that it was notorious that LBJ always felt secondary to JFK. And that was one of the things that actually drove him you to want to succeed so badly, and I want to be President.
I remember one of my one to one clients a few years ago. And I said, you know, I'm not sure if you recognize this, but you have low self esteem.And she said, Jim, No, I don't. And she was, according to The Wall Street Journal's. She was ranked as one of the top 100 Producing Real Estate agents in the United States. And she said to me, she goes, I don't have low self esteem. How can I be one of the top agents in the country and have low self esteem? Well, same thing with Nixon and LBJ, it was her low self esteem, which was actually driving her to perform and driving her to be driven.
I want to be careful here, I literally just I'm being transparent with you guys. I don't have any partisan affiliation in politics at this point in my life. If I were anything, I would be a libertarian. Basically, I want the government to keep their hands off me and keep their hands out of my pocket. Beyond that, I just don't care anymore. I'm not apathetic, and I'm not anti American, or anti Patriotic, or anything else. I'm just saying that it's such a dog and pony show and politics these days.
Now, I am not a licensed therapist. So I'm going to just give you an interpretation. If you look up the definition of NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and you look at the characteristics of NPD, and then look at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, they match. And a lot of people I think, I think Donald Trump's been called by a Harvard Professor, like a morbid narcissist, or something like that. And we can look at the outcome. But what I'm looking at, and I think I've said here in the podcast before, is, if that is true, and he does have Narcissistic Personality Disorder, number one, it's not his fault. Secondly, and this is where the compassion comes in, at least from my point on this is my gosh, because CNPD comes from extreme extreme and security as a child, start thinking, wow, if he does have NPD, then, man, what a tough childhood that guy must had.
So you know, I understand where it comes from. And again, I'm not a Harvard Psychologist making any diagnosis or any of that I'm just sharing my interpretations. But I think when we look at it from that perspective, it also gives us some compassion for people when people have things like NPD. Or people try to overcompensate or they try to brag or any of that to other people, because they want to look good, because people spend also the majority when I say people, but I mean, the majority, the majority of people's been 95% of their time, either trying to look good in front of other people, or, you know, not to look bad in front of other people. And that all comes down to self worth.
And in all fairness, I've been there myself before with, I think, a lack of self worth. So we also what I see a lot of this in my coaching programs is that many times in relationships, I will see partners, let the other partners subjugate them, and then do what I call steal all their power, because they don't feel like they're worthy of even speaking up in a relationship. And I see this so often. And then, of course, relative to the topic this week about habits, people that don't feel worthy of the relationship or feel worthy to, to to have their place in the relationship, what kind of mental habits and even behavioral habits Do you think they pick up that they perpetuate into the relationship.Research also shows and you hear me talk a lot about identity is that confirming identities, they match up and get into relationships.
Now, what I mean by that is a woman that believes that she's not worth anything, will many times seek out and by the way, when I say you know a woman, it could be a man as well. So let's just be very clear about that. Because I have worked with guys that have been domestically abused in their relationship. But let's just say for example, that a woman believes that she just doesn't have any worth, it doesn't she doesn't have any value, then what she will do, and there's research that confirms this. So if that is her identity, what she will do is she will seek out a partner that will confirm her identity. So let me give you a just a colloquial meaning just my verbiage, my words. But let's say for example, a woman believes that she deserves to be hit, and women will say things and so will men. Okay, so guys, I don't want any flack on this and the feedback or any emails, I'm just telling you what research says.
So if a woman believes that you know what, he hit me, and it's my fault, it you know, it has nothing to do with him hitting me, it's my fault that he did it. Well, that's low self worth and low self esteem. Now, what research also demonstrates is that men will seek out women that they will say, Well, she deserves to be hit, or women deserve to be abused or whatever, you know, words that you will hear in the culture, women deserve to be slapped around or put in their place.
What I want you to take away from this is that in your relationship, you get what you deserve. Meaning you will seek out people commensurate with the degree that you value yourself, and let that soak in. Because so many people, if we don't value ourselves, then what we will do according to research, is we will seek out people that will validate that we're not worth very much, because they will treat us in ways that are firm to us that you know what, I'm not worth all that much. So food for thought for a lot of you. What I want you to look at the relative to this, this episode is look at your habits. And then what habits do you have that are created relative to your level of worth. So just ponder that for a bit. And I'll give you an example of that.
One of my sisters, she's an older sister older than I am. And she's, she's obese, she's very overweight, she's probably 200 pounds overweight. Now, I remember her saying something to me many years ago, she said, You know what, people won't pay me for that and was something that she was very good at. And in that moment, I recognized in the way that she said it, that she really wasn't even valuing what she had to offer at all. And then that comes from a lack of self value. And she's never really had high paying jobs, which is a reflection also of her value. She's always worked at places like Walmart and Target making, you know, a few bucks ever minimum wage. And she used to always say things, like, you know, what I can't afford to eat well, and as a result of not eating, well, she, you know, she's overweight.
And she may listen to this, she may not, I don't know, it doesn't matter. I mean, this has all been discussed, etc. But I'm sharing this to be of service to you guys. So what she would say is, well, I don't have enough money. So because I don't have enough money, then I can't buy good food or healthier, nutritious food. And her entire diet is junk food. Now her entire diet is junk food, which then of course leads to her being overweight. But it all comes back to if you notice here, the circle, it all comes back to her level of self worth.
Recently, I was walking out of the store also, and I saw this guy, this is about a month ago. And he caught me in the parking lot. And I knew that he's going to ask me for money. And I'm fine with that. I mean, I literally carry money in my console and give it away. And some of you could say, Well, you know what, you're perpetuating homelessness. You know, maybe, maybe not, but if somebody needs help, and I can help, I will. And the guy stopped me in the parking lot. And I knew that he's going to ask for asked me for money. And he said, Hey, he goes, you know, sir, can you help me out? And he goes, You know, I needed he had a camera on his truck. And he goes, I've got some tools in here. And you know what, I can sell you some of my tools. I'm not asking for a handout. But you know what I do need, I'm hungry, and I need gas money. And I'm sleeping in the back of my truck, can you help me out and an exchange, I will sell you some my tools?
Well, I don't need any tools. I mean, anything that I needed, I'd hire somebody to do. And truth be told, I'm not all that handy around the house. So what am I going to do with tools other than put them in the garage, you know? And so I said, You know what, I don't think that I have that much cash on me and I was a few cars away. And I went over to my car and I had three bucks in my console. It's all that I had in the moment. And I said here, just you know, here's three bucks. And I said, it's what I said was and here's the irony, or the interesting thing is I drive a Porsche.
And he saw me go to my car and get the money. And I gave him the money. And I said, here's my last three bucks, and that was just colloquialism. It's the last three bucks cash that I had in the car. And the guy said to me is very kind. But he said, I don't want to take your last $3. And I'm like, Dude, don't worry about it. This is not my last $3. And then he was very grateful. And then I went back inside to the ATM and which I didn't want to do as tired as a long day as around midnight. But I went back down and I got any more money. And he literally three or four times he said Are you sure? Are you sure? I mean, really? Do you really mean this? Do you really want to give me this money? Are you sure? And I'm like, of course, I'm sure. And I walked away. And I wondered the situation that he is in life right now, how much of that is tied to because he demonstrated evidence of low self worth, how much of what he doesn't have in life is tied to his low self worth. And I see this so much. Because I would assume there's a fair amount of online entrepreneurs and business people that listen to this podcast.
And for that I'm grateful. I'm very grateful. And so many times in business, and I've been there as well, I'm not there today, but I've been there as well. People don't value what they do, and they don't charge accordingly. And that's a habit as well. You know, candidly, recently, there is somebody that I've been coaching, actually, were friends, and I've not coached this person and a couple of and about 18 months. And I help this person take his business, literally through one to one coaching, I helped him this person take their business from 2 million to $10 million. In two years. As a matter of fact, it's two years this month.
So the way I look at it now, if I help this person, five times their business from 2 million to 10 million in two years, you know what? I'm valuable, I'm good at what I do, and I deserve compensation. And that's why today, that's what I charge what I charge because if I build someone else's wealth, I should actually you know, work from reciprocity, and build my own life and my own wealth as well, at that level. But many years ago, I wouldn't charge what I was worth. And I'm just being transparent, one of my clients, she was a CEO of a billion dollar company. We became personal friends. And she said to me, she goes, Jim, I don't think you realize, and this was 10 years ago. And I was making multiple six figures in but she goes, I don't think you realize how good you are at what you do.
And candidly, I didn't and I wasn't charging accordingly. Because I didn't value my own work, which I've talked about in another podcast episode. So also, do you limit your earnings because I had a client recently that he didn't want to earn more than his father, because he felt that if in some way he earned more money than his father, then his father would look down on him that he wasn't worth the money. So look at your earning, do you cap your earning because you feel like you're not worth it based upon other people in your family. And I've even seen the reverse of that I have seen people that will not earn, because if they do, then their family will look down on them saying Who do you think you are driving that brand new car? Who do you think you are living in that house? And what they do, therefore they believe Well, if my family's not worth it, I'm not worth it. And if I do actually exceed or past them, then they're going to look down on me therefore that I'm not going to do it.
So right now, I am at my home in Sedona, Arizona, I'm heading back to Dallas in a couple of days, I live between both places. And I started watching Elton John Rocket Man, the movie, and elton john, actually, as I as I heard, as I read and not heard, but as I read Elton John really approved to the movie, and the whole movie isn't like Bohemian Rhapsody, which in my opinion is an amazing movie. It's more about Elton John's personal life, and he never getting any praise or, or any support emotionally from his parents and he craves his father's love and approval. And they never got it. And he lived many, many, many years of self denial and many, many years of not approving of himself and many years of having no self love for himself. And interesting movie, so watch it, maybe some of you can relate because that's what people crave.
Human beings crave the the affection and approval of their parents, one of my clients one time his parents on a company, and he's in the family business. But there are also other businesses that I mean other companies that I could work with that are in that business. And I said to him, I said, Do you know what what's happened here is that you've outgrown your where you are, and you've kept yourself and what would serve you well is to move to another larger company in your industry, because you're kept where you are. And the thing is this, he seeks his even if he says that he doesn't, I know that he does, because I've watched him and coached him, he seeks his parents approval, therefore, he will not better himself and go to a different brand, and even a more prestigious brand. Because he doesn't want to disappoint his parents.
You know, also, I'm just, you know, speaking candidly aloud here and just putting some thoughts together as we go. I do not do this anymore. But I did. And I'm sure many of you do this as well. And I've been there is that most of us judge ourselves, as I said, we're very harsh on ourselves. And we judge ourselves against other people, which is a that's a recipe f for failure and self love. But we judge ourselves against other people. And then what we do is we put ourselves below other people. And I remember reading this meme on Facebook. And basically it said that we let our lives be affected by people who judge us and they don't even have their own crap together. And we're letting them actually judge us and letting them affect us.
Now, I'd mentioned earlier about my father, he was very, very critical. Put it this way, whatever I did, and I was you know, an A student and all the way through school minus math, which was a whole different Podcast audio that I did on Subconscious Reprogramming. And my first grade teacher telling me, I wasn't good at math, I was making A's and everything in school except math. But whatever I did, I'm sure lot of you can relate to this, that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. And this is I mean, I don't care if I made straight A's, I would hear well, aren't there A pluses. And I know a lot of you listening can relate to that. So I lived an entire lifetime with my father never being good enough.
And when I was in college, I actually went to the School Psychologist and I wanted to take an IQ test. And I took one. And he put me through some other assessments. And he says, you know, it looks like to me that you have low self esteem. And back then I'm like, No, no, no, not me. Because that was popular. And I had a lot of friends and identity fraternity and I didn't see myself air quote, having low self esteem. But when I look back years later, I did. I did have low self esteem. And honestly, I don't remember how I mean back then what I did or what he prescribed or anything else in terms of prescribed, I mean books or exercises or mental work or anything else. But yeah, I mean, I was part of the pack and I had low self esteem.
Now I'm not there today, and I'm going to tell you, I'm going to share with you my secret is I remember one of my sisters saying that one time, and my sisters call me Jimmy. And she's like, we were traveling, actually, we were in we were out in rural Peru, we had just actually left Machu Picchu for some spiritual work there 20 years ago. And my sister said to me, she goes, Jimmy, do you love yourself? And I was kind of like, Well, yeah, I guess I don't know about it. I think I do. And I've had a lot of people over the years say, Well, how do I know? How you know, how do I know what self love is? And I'm going to tell you what I've discovered on my own journey. And I'll do another podcast on this and share more things with you guys. But what I learned long ago, is self love is such a slippery thing. I mean, what does that mean? And how do I do it.
And I found an easy way to engage in self love. And to me, in my experience with my life, we become self loving, when we become self accepting. Because see, when you accept who you are, whatever you are, you know, you might have listened recently to the podcast with Niduk. It was a it was a Monday podcast, and Niduk. And this was probably two or three episodes ago, two or three, Monday's ago, she didn't accept herself because of her name, Niduk, N-I-D-U-K. So she thought and she talks about it in the podcast episode, that you know what people are going to reject me and I'm not as good as other people. And she was rejecting herself, based upon even the fear of her name and what she thought other people would think about it. And I've learned that when you just accept yourself, your name, your body, your weight, your sexual orientation, your religion, your nationality, your height, whatever it is, when you accept yourself,then that becomes self love.
Because when you accept yourself, then you move into peace. And there's nothing more powerful in my interpretation than peace. Because I can say love to you. And you can make all the definitions and interpretations you want about it. And we're gonna have all kinds of interpretations. But when I say peace and peace of mind, every single one of you, you know what I mean? Because you've had peace of mind before at different times in your life. And you know what I mean? So I want to leave you with this is my interpretation of self love, is self acceptance. Because when we do that, we become peaceful. And that is a loving place.
Now, one more thing, I asked one of my Transformational cCoaches, and I tell you that she has a PhD only for credibility reasons. And I asked her because another client said, Hey, is there a book on self esteem or self love? And she, you know, I thought she was going to say some, you know, formal text kind of book. And here's the seven steps like Nathaniel Brandon's, the six pillars of self is self esteem and stuff like that. She didn't say any of that. She goes, Oh, yeah, she was I want to recommend the book. And again, I don't make any money off this. There's no affiliate link. But it's a book that says love yourself, like your life depends on it. Title of the book is "Love yourself, like your Life depends on it. "I don't remember the author's last name, but it's like Remit or something like that, or Kumit or Remit or something. And it's a very simple book, it'll probably take you 30 minutes to read. But it's a very powerful book, because it also plays into what I teach people is how to program and reprogram their subconscious minds.
Okay, so hopefully, you could see yourself on a lot of this episode and, and in my wish, because this is what I tell all of my students, and you're not you're not a student, or you may not be because you're listening to the podcast. But there's one thing that I want for everyone. And that is I want people to have joy, and joy comes from peace. Okay, so your Transformational Takeaway this week, and this episode is this is we treat ourselves like we perceive yourself and to the topic at hand, if you're if you have habits that are self destructive, you are treating yourself with those habits as you perceive yourself.
Okay, next episode, Wednesday's episode is, it's about judgment, because so many of you have challenges with judgment. And I've already created an episode on this, but I'm going to create another one. And just being transparent with you. The reason I'm doing it is because of a video marketing company, one of my best friends, that's creating a lot of videos as well on these topics. They're going on YouTube in different places. And this is one of the topics even though I've already done a podcast episode on this. So I've got to sit down and brainstorm how to bring you a fresh approach even to that last episode on self judgment, which actually stops so many of you what we're going to talk about in the next episode more than anything, your fear of judgement from other people. And that episode, and when you get this when you get this. It is like the lights come on. But the title of that episode, are you ready? Is I am not who you think I am. You are who you think I am? get your mind around that one. And I'll catch you on the next episode. Take care and thank you so much for listening and sharing. I really, I really appreciate it and I'm just I'm very grateful. Okay, stay well. Bye. Bye.
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