EPISODE 55: “I Am Not Who You Think I Am, You Are Who You Think I Am. Let Go Of The Fear Of Judgement”
Every time you judge someone, you are not judging them, they are reflecting you back to yourself.
This episode is about how we’re mirrors for each other and how when people judge you, they are not judging you, they are just reacting to who they think you are, based upon who they are.
You’ve heard me say before, most people’s two biggest fears are the fear of being abandoned and the fear of inadequacy.
These fears keep most people trapped for a lifetime, it’s time to release them.
In this episode I talk about:
And, like I say in every episode recap, much, much more…
In this episode I talk about a few different ways to start BEing so the fear of judgement by others no longer bothers you.
When you change how you interpret judgment, the fear of judgement goes Away.
People are not judging YOU, they are telling you who they are. And, you are going to be judged, no matter what so do, so do what you love.
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You're listening to episode number 55 of the transform your life from the inside out podcast. Obviously, the title of this podcast is I am not who you think I am, you are who you think I am. And the whole subject matter is letting go the Fear of judgement. Keep listening.
Hi, I'm Jim Fortin, and you're about to start Transforming Your Life. from the Inside Out with this Podcast. I'm widely considered the leader in subconscious transformation. And I've coached super achievers all around the world for over 25 years. Here, you're going to find no rah rah motivation, and no hype. Because this podcast is a combination of Brain Science, Transformational Psychology, and Ancient Wisdom all rolled into one to take your life to levels, you've never thought possible. If you're wanting a lot more in life, to feel better, to heal, to have peace of mind, to feel powerful want to live, and to bring more abundance and prosperity into your life. And this podcast is for you. Because you're going to start learning how to master your mind and evolve your consciousness. And when you do that, anything you want, then becomes possible for you. I'm glad you're here.
Fear of Judgement is Like a Paralyzing Virus
Okay, the Fear of Judgement. Now, if you're like most people, and I'm going to say I had been there before, is you spend a significant amount of your time actually trying to look good in front of other people. And I'm just laughing because we, you know, we humans are very funny creatures. So you spend the majority of time of trying to look good in front of other people, or a majority of your time, trying not to look bad in front of other people.
And as I said, I've been there before, and that's not a place that I currently am in my life right now. But I have been there and I want to share with you is that the Fear of Judgment of other people. And what they're going to think about us is it's like a virus. And it's so paralyzing, because that fear, for the most part, keeps you trapped in life. You know, I coach many people from all walks of life. And whether you're an entrepreneur or a salesperson, or what you know, an artist or dancer, whatever it is, many of you do not put out in the world what you do to the degree that you can, because you're afraid that somebody is going to judge you.
And yes, you are correct, they are going to judge you. Now, that being said, I also created another episode earlier in this, you know, in my podcast about this, but I'm going to take a little bit different spin on this particular episode, the two biggest fears that most people have. And we learn these very early on in life, the two biggest fears are either the fear of abandonment, meaning people are going to reject us, Tell us know, shut the door on us shut us out, we're not invited, or the fear of inadequacy. And that wouldn't be I'm not good enough. And obviously people are going to judge me. Now I don't make notes. When I do these podcasts, I might, I might have some bullets every so often. So I'm going to hop around a little bit in this episode. But more times than not if you're getting into procrastination in your life. And this is why I say jumping around because this episode is not about procrastination.
But many times when I see people getting into procrastination, that is fear driven. And I used to coach heavily in the real estate industry for many years, which I don't do anymore. But I see so many real estate agents in the past and they would over perfect a listing presentation or marketing piece or whatever, over perfect and over perfect and over perfect. Why? Because if they actually procrastinated in terms of like not doing the lead generation, there's they're supposed to be doing, they procrastinate through, you know, ancillary activities, artwork, putting things together, whatever. And the reason why is that's actually, I was going to use the word the skies, but that's not it, but that keeps them from putting themselves out. And that keeps them from being rejected, you know, by other people, and that keeps them from being judged. So so many people get into procrastination, and that's also fear and judgment based. And something else I want to share with you is that usually fear of what others think of us is a reflection of our own, you know, insecurities.
So let's say, for example, that you have an insecurity about your nose, or your body, or your name, or your ethnicity, or whatever it is, many times, you're going to be actually super sensitive to other people judging you about that, because that is your insecurity. And again, I'm going to go on a tangent here a little bit. I've been all over the world, and many of you probably have also, and many of you live in different parts of the world. And you know, whether you're in Rome, or Milan, or London, or Tokyo, or Lima, or Sydney or New York City, or wherever in the world, this is what I've noticed is that people are the same all over the world.
I mean, we obviously speak different languages or different cultures. But when it comes to, you know, wanting love and belonging and contributing, we're all the same. So it's interesting is that so many people get into the fear of being judged. When if you look at your own life, that's what you do to other people. And all we really, really want as human beings, for the most part, is we want to be accepted and we want to be loved, we want to contribute, and we want to matter. Anyway, back to the subject at hand. But I just wanted to put that out there is to recapitulate is that many times when you're into your fear, about judgment, it's that you may be into a particular aspect of your insecurities that you're afraid people are judging you about. So be aware of that. And you know, when it comes to rejection, the fear of rejection, what I noticed most is that so many people will not be their true and authentic self, often they will not speak up, especially with their friends and family, because they're afraid of being ridiculed or judged or subjugated, or castigated, or whatever it might be.
And I also notice that many times in people who are afraid of rejection, sometimes they are afraid of rejection from their family, but not from strangers. Sometimes they're afraid of rejection by all people, because they might be people pleasers. But so many people actually, they're just not themselves. They're not what I call their primary personality, I mean, who they are at a core level, because they were afraid, and many times it is because they were afraid their mother, or father, it's going to reject them, or going to say something about them or not loved them as much, which is generally not true. But people aren't, you know, their real selves, because they're afraid of the fear of judgment from their friends and family. And I'm going to share with you right now, and you probably know this, that is not only toxic, it's also asuffocating way to live.
I read a phrase many years ago, I just love this phrase. And it said, I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. That's powerful when you think about that I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. And that is true authenticity. You know, what I see also is that so many people live a lifetime, and the fear and especially the fear of acceptance and approval from their parents. I've coached for over two and a half decades now. And it's, it's, and it doesn't pertain to me. And I'll tell you maybe why another episode, it doesn't pertain to me at this point, not because I'm any better than anyone else, or any of that.
But some things I'm going to share with you in this episode, I've learned to transcend that fear, and work through it many years ago, because my mother was even though a wonderful woman, she was a very, very, I mean, she was an amazing mother. When I when I was a kid, she was also very dogmatically judgmental of me and other people her life. And many years ago, I had to come to the realization of Who am I going to live for myself or my mother, but many of you live for your parents, and especially the fear of judgment from your parents. And to the topic of this episode, when your mother is judging you, she's not judging you, she's telling you who she is, or your father out of their value system and out of their belief system, which really has nothing to do with you.
But what that does is that imprison so many people, and I see this happen for a lifetime with people. I mean, I can't tell you and you listening right now, I mean, I don't know if you're in your 20s or 30s, or 40s, or 50s, your 60s. But I see so many people, even middle aged people, men and women and men say it doesn't bother them. They're lying for the most part, because it does bother most people is that even as adults, people actually crave the approval of their parents. And if they feel like they're not going to get the approval of their parents, because they're going to be judged. They won't do things. And it's everything from you know what I want to be an entrepreneur, but you know what, I'm going to stop myself because my mother is going to judge me or my father's going to say, Who are you to do that, or that's not safe, or that's not secure, or you shouldn't do that? Are you kidding, you want to be an artist, you can't make any money doing that, or a singer or whatever.
And many times we're living in the shadow of judgment from the people that we love the most, and people that we think love us the most. What I've also noticed in myself, I would just dawned on me one day is that, and it does not apply to me. And I'll tell you, you know a little more as we go and other episodes. But when we're afraid of somebody judging us many times what our needs, you know, and I see this a lot of my transformational coaching programs is that when we're afraid of somebody judging us, our knee jerk response is to judge them right back, you know, for being well, that person's a jerk, or this person is this or that not even recognizing that we're being reactive to them judging us. And we're doing the very same thing to them, that we do not want done to us.
And the interesting thing also, this can be a little bit to a small degree and more esoteric, a little more metaphysical episode to some degree. And that, you know, when you really think about it, and you really, really look at your life, we all are mirrors of each other. And I don't want to go too far off track here because I don't want to lose my train of thought because I can go to I can go deeply down this rabbit hole. But to me, this is a lifetime skill. It's a like a lifetime victory. And it's like an involvement. When we have when we evolve out of that really ridiculous fear that oh my gosh, someone's going to say something bad about me, someone's going to think something bad about me. And someone is going to judge me. Which by the way, if you've listened to another episode on this, yep, that is true. People will think badly of you, people will judge you, people will criticize you, they will condemn you. That's what some people do. But many of us live in the fear of that. And remember, I don't know if I read it here on the podcast, but I posted one of my groups, I posted a quote by Martha Graham, the dancer. And one of her, I think was an amazing quote, she said that there's this energy, this life force that flows through you that flows through all of us. And it's not your, you know, it's not your job to judge how good that energy is.
And I recognize that in my own life, I just do what I do the podcaster, my coaching or whatever. And I used to always get into well, am I good enough? And if I compared myself to this person, or that person, would it be good enough for people said, my programs not this or that? Is it good enough. And what I've recognized and you are too, I am good enough, exactly as I am right now. And it's not my job to judge how good that I am. Consider that it's not my job to judge how good that I am. All that I do is I do what I do, like, you know, like the podcast and everything else. And that's the end of it. And I let it be at that, you know, Wayne Dyer, the, the spiritual speaker, he's not on the planet anymore. He said that when people judge, they're not really judging you, they're defining themselves as someone who needs to judge.
And when others are judging you. Even though they think in their mind, which is what we're talking about this week, they think that they're defining you, they're not defining you, they're actually reflecting their interpretations of you, based upon their model of reality. And that is it. You know, I also want to point out is that I'm learning my lessons. I'm no better than anyone else in this planet. And I'm no worse than anyone else on this planet. And I'm learning my lessons. And to be just completely transparent. I used to be very judgmental, but not in the way the masses are. Many people judge through dogma, or through my, you know, my lens of the way society should be and stuff like that. And I remember this cheery, I read this, you know, recently I was watching something. And I don't know, it was about this Cheerios commercial a couple of years ago, about a black and white interracial couple. And they were talking about how so many people were upset by that commercial. And it's only a couple of years old. And I remember thinking, wow, never even dawned on me. Literally, it never even dawned on me that, oh my gosh, it's really a problem with some people, because I just don't see that way. And I do want to say I did learn that from my mother. Because she did in her own way. love everyone. It didn't matter where they were from our social economics, even though we didn't have a lot of money, or color, or any of that, for the most part is my mom just love people. And I learned that from her.
But that commercial, I was like, I was like, why are people in an uproar about this, and I didn't even notice. But I'm going to tell you where I used to be judgmental. And it's something that I'm working on very, very much. And being mindful and, and Cognizant and having my attention there is my trigger used to be, and I don't want to have to defend this, because a lot of people are going to get this right away. Okay. And a lot of you are going to know what I'm talking about. And those that don't well, then you don't. But my trigger used to be gratuitously stupid people. And I don't mean ignorant, because we're all ignorant, but I mean, gratuitously stupid people. And that used to, people that would, how do I say this people to be candidates for what's called a Darwin award, maybe you've heard of that people don't really crazy things, like, you know, trying on a ladder with a chainsaw trying to cut down a beehive, and then they get stung by the bees, and they fall off the ladder, and etc, you know, people not thinking not using their brains in any way, having no critical thought processes. And that used to be my trigger.
And I'm going to say at this point, I go through themes in my life where I work on things, those my transformational coaching programs know that my theme last year was just my theme last year was just living from internal peace and creating as much internal peace as I could. And a theme that I'm working on now is just letting go, just letting go of my observations about the world and what people do and what they don't do. And what I've learned also is that there's so much internal peace, for me, when I don't have an opinion about what other people do or what they don't do. I want everyone to have their own experience in life, I want everyone to be healthy, I want everyone to be well, I want everyone to have tools to transform their life.
But when I get out of well, he did this or she did that, or Wow, I can't believe I read this or that. What I recognize is that if I operate from that place, and it creates any internal strife in me, then as long as I live from that place, I'm going to have the internal strife in my life. And life is too short to have that mental garbage, which is also toxicity in my brain. And in my mind, because of where I'm working from is beyond the internal peace, how much well being? How much peace of mind can I create? And can I live from? Because you might have heard me say before is that we cannot do anything? Well, without peace of mind.
Okay, so I went a little off target there again, this episode, I feel, you know, when I when I do certain episodes, I feel certain ways about them. And I feel really good about bringing whatever it is that I'm bringing, and I and some people could say, well, you should be more structured in this episode. Well, I'm not, you know what I feel good about the content because this is, this is a big deal for a lot of us. And again, if somebody asked me, Jim, what do you want? For everyone who listens to the podcast? What do you want? Well, I want joy. And you know, what, if you look at your own life, and then we're talking about other people judging you, but if you look at your own life, look how much more joy you would have, if you got out of the fear of people judging you.
Because people have you know, some of you live in that fear like it. It's like this rainstorm, this thunderstorm over your head, you live your entire life and the fear of what other people are going to say about you. You know, not only that is that most people, I find that most people also judge from what I call their their dogma, or their religious tenants, or social norms or whatever. So not only are they judging you from their own perception of being a human being, they're judging you from our perception of the way they think the world should be based upon externals, and they don't even recognize they're doing what I call their impressing their model of reality upon you. And because they live that certain model of reality, they expect you to live that model of reality. And then if you don't live their model of reality, then they judge you.
And hopefully, you can see how crazy that is. And again, I don't mean to be repetitive, but just how toxic that is to allow that in our lives. also want to point out that the fear of being judged is for the most part, even though we learn it, it comes from irrational thought. Because many times people it's crazy is they want to be liked by all people at all times. And that's just not a reality. I know that I'd mentioned here in one of the episodes where I saw on 60 minutes, which I don't get anymore because I think at&t is fighting CBS or something I don't know. But I used to watch 60 minutes. And Paul McCartney was asked what his greatest fear was. And he says, well, the fear of not being liked and or something like that. And then then he said, Well, doesn't everyone want to be liked? And I was just laughing at that. I mean, because this is Paul McCartney, I mean, a global icon. And I'm sure there's some people that don't like Paul McCartney. But, you know, I mean, he's not going to have any problems finding friends. But we get into this irrational thinking that Oh, my gosh, I'm going to be saved if all the world around me and everyone likes me. When if you look at your own life, you don't like everyone around you.
You know, I've mentioned before, if I said J Lo and her music, or Beyonce, or Britney Spears, or Matt Damon's movie, or Matthew McConaughey or Jimmy Buffett or Reba McEntire, any of these names, as I'm mentioning those names, you're like, yep, I like nope, I don't like I don't know who they are. Yep, I like I don't notice that you're judging. This is what human beings do. And as I said, on the other episode, humans are meaning making machines. And that's what they do is to make meaning of the world as many people judge the world. But instead of just using judgment for discernment, which is where I would, I'm wanting to move to my own life, and I'm being mindful of many people judge, and then they use they give themselves ego advantage. Oh, so not only am I different than you, but I'm better than you because of x, y, z, because you don't have x, y, z, when we have a need to judge and it's brain based, its survival based, because we have to have discernment, meaning, you know what's my likelihood of being eaten or killed or whatever, many years ago when we were hunter gatherers. So we had to have some level of discernment, no question about it.
But I look at it as a species. And my, my goal for humans is that we evolve and we grow. And we evolved out of this place where we have to judge people because it gives us ego advantage, and makes us feel better about ourselves, because of our own insecurities. So as I said, You know what, I am not some saint, and I'm on this planet,and I'm learning my lessons. And when I'm done with my lessons, this lifetime, I'll leave the planet. But this is something that I'm working on right now, in terms of keeping it in front of me is just to let go of any need to judge anyone, with the exception of anyone hurting a child or, or something along those lines, but just letting people have their own experience of life. And in many ways, as I said, You know, I told you earlier what one of my biggest triggers used to be, it's not that, but I love diversity in life also.
I remember one time this was many years ago, I said to somebody, I'm like, what we're talking and I'm like, What does a Grammy winning artist, a billionaire and a drag queen have in common? Let's talk a friend of mine, a Grammy winning artist, a billionaire and a drag queen. And my friends like, what, what do they have in common? And I said me as a friend, because I love diversity. And people, it's just I mean, that's what to me, what makes the world go round. Something I want you to look at, let's come back to something here a little more pragmatic and practical, is what I tell people is that when somebody is judging you, most people obsess about that, Oh, my gosh, they're judging, they're judging. They're judging. They're judging, when you know what, because thought is fleeting. And to give you an example of that, is, I don't know I am maybe 18-20 minutes into this podcast, you don't even remember what I said 18 or 20 minutes ago, because you're paying attention now. And my point is, is that thought is fleeting.
So if someone's judging you guess what, for the most part, you could sit there and stew all day long, Oh, my gosh, she judged my dress, or my shoes, or my laptop, or my report, or my car, or my whatever. And so some people said that there, and they obsess all day long about being judged about one thing, when that one thing that person was judging you about was fleeting. And the person who was judging, you left that behind 24 hours ago, but yet, you're still stewing over being judged.
So something that I want you to recognize is that people will forget 10 minutes later about what the judge to about earlier. So just be mindful of that isn't any judgment against you can always change. And if you want, you know, if you want to see that practically look at your own life. Look at many of the judgments you've had about people and things. You've thought about people. And she did this and he did that. And then guess what, two days later you're like, Oh, my God, I forgot about that. Who cares about that anymore?
So maybe that'll give you some comfort is that any judgment against you, for the most part is going to be fleeting? So I want to go back to the title of this episode. And the title is, I am not who you think that I am. You are who you think that I am? And when you look at that, other people are not who you think they are. When you're judging, you're reflecting something in you. And let's say that you are a spiritualist, well, then whatever evaluations you're making about somebody, and that could be judgments, you're making them through the filter of those rose colored glasses of being a spiritualist. What if you're a Christian, and then you know what, you could judge people and then without even recognizing it, you're judging and through that lens? Well, as you're doing that to other people, other people are also doing it to you.
So when people are judging you please get this when they're judging you. It's not about you. It is about their model of reality, and their beliefs and their filters. So hopefully, I've said it in a way this episode, that maybe I said it a little differently than the other episode. And you're like, Okay, yeah, you know what, it's not about me. I've learned that long ago, and not only learned a come to know that, that whatever people say about me, whether it's positive or or negative, or mean, or hateful, or loving, or whatever, it's never a reflection of me, it's a reflection of them. But what I used to do is, I don't think I was hyper, like a lot of people are hyper obsessed about not being criticized, I don't ever think I was that person in the past.
But as I said earlier, think about your own life, if you're so worried about what people think about you, etc, I want you to look at how energy consuming that is, and what it robs, you of. So the transformational takeaway This episode is that people are not judging you. They're telling you who they are. And I'll say it again, people are not judging you, they are telling you who they are. And then you've heard me say before, also is that no matter what you do in life, and I've demonstrated this before, whether you're an artist or a teacher, or a painter or whatever, no matter what you do, people are going to judge you, someone I just go do what you love to do, because you're going to be judged anyway. You know, a little takeaway there.
This is being very discerning on my part, I can't find the, the enjoyment of it. Let me put it that way. But Yoko Ono, I saw something where she was screaming. And she called her artistry. And that's great. Seriously, I mean, that's a great, it's her artistry. If it was like a wall picture what I buy that wall picture, not so much because it's not going to fit with my decor and the house. But you know, what is she thinks that's art. Even though it's Yoko Ono, when she knows, you know, the music. She kind of she's done over the years. But she thinks she thinks that's art. And what I've told people before is something that I've learned from my mentor, is that all of us have artistry. And just go live your artistry, be your artistry and demonstrate your artistry in the world. Because not everyone's going to buy your paintings, not everyone going to like it and etc. But you know, what? Be Your artistry.
OK, the next episode coming up on Monday is a Q&Aepisode, I'm going to actually, I'm going to paraphrase from here that I'm going to go much deeper in that episode. But Brett wrote in and he said, I'm going to paraphrase here, and then I'll explain more to next episode. He said a lack of money is forcing me back to my old life and job that I do not want. What do I do. So if you have found yourself wanting more in life wanting to create more, and you've got this little timeframe, and you've got this little bank account, you're looking at it and going, Okay, I want to go do something else in the world. But as I look at my time frame, and I look at my money, okay, let me U turn and go right back to my comfort zone on my job. If that in any way applies to you, or you've seen yourself, you turn anywhere on live, you're going to love the next episode. And even though I know there's an outro in this episode, I want to say again, from me to you is that I am so grateful and so honored that I'm able to serve I mean, the amount of email that I get and the messages and everything that the podcast is helping you live a better life in some way. And people say thank you. And as I said, No, thank you for allowing me to serve. Okay, stay well, and I'll catch you over on the next episode. Bye bye.
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